Giant Cockroaches invade Washington, D.C.!

Giant Cockroaches invade Washington, D.C.!

--No one notices....

(more story to come...)

(HUMOR) Long lost CLONE of Film/TV Star Gordon Michael Woolvett finally discovered—"So You Think You Can Dance Star, " dancer Travis Wall

(HUMOR) Long lost CLONE of Film/TV Star Gordon Michael Woolvett finally discovered
—"So You Think You Can Dance Star, " dancer Travis Wall raised without knowledge of his true origins!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

By Ima Spoofer
Hollyweird, CA. Film and TV Star Gordon Michael Woolvett, best known for his starring performance as Seamus Harper on the hit TV series Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda, has a clone. Apparently, the clone was created without his knowledge and was raised as a normal child by a family in Virginia Beach, VA.

(Related Stories: Review of So You Think You Can Dance LIVE Tour Seattle Premier is below this article, see archives for articles on Seattle Seahawks Android Player Scandal and Gordon Michael Woolvett Wins Blogolicious Lifetime Achievement Nomination.)

Recently, highly unethical and secret DNA tests were performed by Secret Blogolicious Field and Stream Operatives on both men in order to confirm the rumors and recent speculation that there was some sort of genetic link between the two.

The results were positive—identical, in fact.

Sources not-so-close to Mr. Woolvett say that yes, there were times when he was about seventeen or eighteen where he claims that he had little recall of his activities. So it is possible, say experts, that Mr. Woolvett's DNA was stolen while he had been incapacitated in some way in order to take samples or perhaps when he simply had too much to drink at a party. It does not seem likely that the writer/actor/director had any knowledge of the DNA theft, nor is complicit in the actual experimentation and creation of the clone.

As for the alleged clone in question, eighteen year old jazz/lyrical/contemporary dancer, Travis Wall was the runner-up in the FOX summer hit, So You Think You Can Dance and is currently touring with the national LIVE show which sold out just thirty minutes after tickets went online. (Mr. Wall turns nineteen on September 16, 2006.)

The Wall family aggressively denies that Travis is a clone of the famous actor and that he came into the world in the traditional manner—they cite hospital records as proof. If any tampering were involved, say experts, it is possible that secret government agents from Canada may have been responsible and without the knowledge or consent of the family.

The height, build and eerily matching appearances of both men could simply be coincidence, say sources. After all, look how many supposed clones of Pamela Anderson are running around—even the ones without extensive silicon augmenting?

Experts say that at first, considering the amazing strength, flexibility and jumping ability of Travis Wall, they wondered if perhaps the young man was not a clone but an android. This wouldn't be the first time that androids were discovered masquerading as athletes (see earlier article on the Seattle Seahawks Android Players Expose on this blog.) However, DNA tests proved otherwise. They also state that talent often emerges differently based on environment, so the original being a gifted actor doesn't negate the likelihood of a clone becoming a gifted dancer.

How many clones there are running around of the Canadian actor is currently unknown, nor why Mr. Woolvett in particular was singled out. It is possible, say sources, that this is only the beginning of a new Canadian Cultural Offensive against the United States—meant to flood the American culture with talented copies of major Canadian stars.

Why you may ask? Perhaps, say experts, they are trying to improve the current state of American television. After all, experts point to all the American clones of not only actors but television shows that are currently running on U.S. and World televisions—but generally not with good result. This could simply be a counterplot to the current studio cloning projects.

Let's hope so.

This is a satirical spoof, meaning, don't take it seriously.

CG Anderson is a 10 year new media provocateur involved in technology, science and the online world. Also a writer, blogger and novelist. CG's comments are personal and opinionated and solely the responsibility of the author, so there. Don't like the opinions, disagree, agree, don't know? Great, make a comment—clean ones will be allowed, netiquette-challenged ones will be ignored!
Blog site: http://ahablogolicious.blogspot.com/
URL: http://home.myuw.net/cganders/

Seattle Seahawks may be androids!

Seattle Seahawks may be androids!

Owner and technocrat Paul Allen denies rumors that he has been substituting robots for real players!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

By R.U. Gettinthis
Seattle, WA. AHA! BLOGOLICIOUS! has just learned of rumors that Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft Corporation and owner of the football team, the Seattle Seahawks may have been using androids (aka robots that look human) as players on his team.

Mr. Allen, who founded and owns Vulcan, a diversified company into high tech, film as well as genetic and brain research, denies that he has been building specialized football bots and placing them, unknown to the human players, on his football team in order to improve the team's record. He further denies that he replaced the coach of the team with an AI Supercomputer linked to an android replica last year.

But sources say that Mr. Allen had been in secret negotiations with the Intelligent Robotics Laboratory, part of the Graduate School of Engineering, Department of Adaptive Machine Systems at Osaka University in Japan. The lab is one of many on the forefront of realistic android design and behavior.

Mr. Allen's representatives further claim that all pictures taken during a recent press junket have been grossly misinterpreted. They further state that the fact that one player, in a recent interview, who broke down during the interview with smoke clearly coming out of his ears was simply overly tired from a hard day of training. It had been a hot day, said the PR rep for the Seahawks, and the player in question was simply very, very thirsty.

The rep continued to say that just because Mr. Allen's company is named Vulcan—after both the science fiction character from Star Trek, Mr. Spock, and the mythic Roman God who created the weapons of the gods, including the thunderbolts of Jupiter—it does not in any way imply that the company is involved in robotic design…just genetic research.

Last year the Seattle Seahawks played in the Super Bowl. It was the first appearance at the bowl for the team since their inception.

This is a satirical spoof, meaning, don't take it seriously.

CG Anderson is a 10 year market researcher and web strategist involved in technology, science and the online world. Also a writer, blogger and novelist. CG's comments are personal and opinionated and solely the responsibility of the author, so there. Don't like the opinions, disagree, agree, don't know? Great, make a comment—clean ones will be allowed, netiquette-challenged ones will be ignored!
Blog site: http://ahablogolicious.blogspot.com/
URL: http://home.myuw.net/cganders/

Google DeathRay destroys Washington, D.C., JibJab escapes unscathed!

World Leaders Thrilled, Microsoft disappointed, Google embarrassed!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
By Offun D. Cuff

New York City, N.Y.-- Less than two hours ago, Washington, D.C. and the enclosing area of approximately fifty square miles around it was destroyed. Sources have learned that it was the Google DeathRay that was responsible for the devastation and tremendous loss of life. Apparently, Google, heard unconfirmed reports that JibJab was planning on doing a satirical animation short on the company, most particularly because of Google's recent ascension to the new title of Evil Empire (taking that coveted title away from longtime rival and holder of the title, Microsoft.)

Apparently, the goliath decided to take matters into their own hands to prevent such an embarrassing contesting of their absolute power and unleashed their infamous and always legally deniable Space Satellite DeathRay (bought for a song at a government Star Wars surplus auction last year.)

Unfortunately, to the company's embarrassment, their intelligence was in error on the location of the famous JibJab brothers, Gregg and Evan Spiridellis. Google bigwigs assumed that JibJab would be located in Washington, D.C., where the powerful and power-mad reside in comfort and isolation, staying easily out of touch with the concerns and needs of the rest of the country. JibJab is actually located in Santa Monica, CA. The Chamber of Commerce of Santa Monica, when asked, indicated that they would be activating their anti-pun forceshield and leaving it active for the next few weeks, just in case Google decides to have another go.

We were unable to reach JibJab for comment.

According to O.N. Wannabenot, a foreign correspondent with the always reputable news agency, The Onion, when other countries heard about the tragic loss of the D.C. area and all of its inhabitants, they were thrilled. When it was revealed later that President Bush and most of his cabinet were not in residence at the time, but were in fact in Texas at a conservative Republican BBQ and therefore completely unharmed by the attack, world leaders expressed their regret.

In retaliation for the attack, the U.S. government was reported to have secretly released a Google Virus. This NSA created virus is reputed to be extremely virulent. It rewrites the operating system, when the user tries to reboot, so that the words "The NSA and Bush are your friends…you have nothing to fear from your current government. Trust your government and George Bush! We know what's best for you." It also crashes any device with Google software, Google links or the word Google on its hard drive.

When asked, Microsoft reported that it was thrilled, but later changed from that euphoria when they realized that it simply meant more free press for Google—and when they realized that even more than 50% (the previous penetration number quoted for Google) of internet connected devices out there were being infected by the Google Virus.

Not even a Microsoft targeted virus ever made that kind of dent in the market, experts say! Microsoft exec's promised that they would continue their campaign to regain their Evil Empire status, so that they could regain their "most favored software company" status with virus writers everywhere.

Note: No Republicans were actually barbequed at the President's BBQ. (A few democrats were though—and they were considered a leaner cut than their fat cat opponents and a therefore, much healthier choice among the calorie conscious.)

This is a satirical spoof, meaning, don't take it seriously.

CG Anderson is a 10 year market researcher and web strategist involved in technology, science and the online world. Also a writer, blogger and novelist. CG's comments are personal and opinionated and solely the responsibility of the author, so there. Don't like the opinions, disagree, agree, don't know? Great, make a comment—clean ones will be allowed, netiquette-challenged ones will be ignored!
Blog site: http://ahablogolicious.blogspot.com/
URL: http://home.myuw.net/cganders/

New Halo release announced today from Bungie/Microsoft—free cloning to first 500!

Halo 26 release announced today—free cloning to first 500!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
By Bi G. Gotchya
Redmondo Land, WA. AHA! BLOGOLICIOUS! has learned that Microsoft, the world's largest software maker, has announced a new version of its massively popular video game HALO. HALO 26 will be released, according to Microsoft and Bungie, its internal game division that used to be a separate company, early in the year 2026.

As to why the video game and software giant, which recently lost its favored title of Evil Empire to rival search giant, Google, is choosing to announce such a long-lead time for its product, it is simple, says Program Manager E.Z. Gameman.

"We know our customers and we know that they are tired of us announcing products then pushing back the release date at the last minute," says Mr. Gameman. "We also know that gamers are always anxious to see previews of the next rev of a popular game, like Halo. So even though Halo 2 has just been released and Halo 3 is still just a few demo shots, we thought we'd go ahead and let our loyal customers know about what's in store for them in Halo 26 and start building the buzz now."

Gameman promises that the action will be greater in Halo 26, the graphics more realistic, including full body-suit VR immersion and completely neural networked game play across the Internet. (Psychological or physical damages are the responsibility of the user.) As for the story, it will be essentially unchanged. The soldiers never do manage to get off the damn planet or find the final evil alien conqueror, as per gaming requirements in all FPS adventures. (First Person Shooter.)

However, for those first lucky few that decide to pre-purchase the game now in order to be the first to receive it, Microsoft has signed a co-marketing deal with Genetics-R-Us, a leading gene therapy company in the Seattle area. The first five hundred pre-purchasers of Halo 26 will also get a complementary cloned body part of their choice. (Shipping, legal fees and leakage insurance not included.)

However, Microsoft expects pre-sales to be brisk, so hopeful gamers should purchase now. In order to qualify for the free cloned body part, all purchases must be made before June 2007. Sorry, no upgrades allowed.

This is a satirical spoof, meaning, don't take it seriously.

CG Anderson is a 10 year market researcher and web strategist involved in technology, science and the online world. Also a writer, blogger and novelist. CG's comments are personal and opinionated and solely the responsibility of the author, so there. Don't like the opinions, disagree, agree, don't know? Great, make a comment—clean ones will be allowed, netiquette-challenged ones will be ignored!
Blog sites: http://ahablogolicious.blogspot.com/
URL: http://home.myuw.net/cganders/